Drop Bears: Beware!
Australia is known throughout the world for its pristine beaches, tropical rainforests, barren deserts, and world-class cities.
It’s also home to some of the deadliest animals in the whole bloody world! From snakes to spiders and everything in between, don’t mess with them.
While everyone thinks our koalas “are soooo cute, oh my gawd!” (but they are, to be fair), their nastier cousin the drop bear isn’t so bloody cute though. In fact, they’re more vicious than all those other prick animals we already mentioned put together.
There’s been heaps of articles and blogs about drop bears that have been posted by people around the world, warning their readers about these dangerous bastards. They’re not like Blinky Bill; they’re more like Chopper Read!
Tourists are the most likely to get attacked. The drop bears can smell the different scents and the accents that people of different nationalities naturally give off. So if you’re projecting anything other than the scent of a true-blue, fair dinkum Aussie, then you’re in trouble!
Considering koalas eat eucalyptus leaves that make them stoned and therefore chill, that’s not the case with drop bears. If anything, they’re more like they psycho junkies on smack that hang around dodgy inner-city train stations.
If anyone tells you that drop bears are just a myth, they’re kidding themselves. We’re not talking about Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster here. This is completely fair dinkum!
What Is A Drop Bear?
Let’s start with telling the uninitiated what a drop bear actually is. More formally known by its Latin name, Thylarctos plummetus, drop bears are big, ferocious marsupials (so not actually bears, per se) that live in trees and will jump from even eight metres high onto anyone hanging around under their tree and wreck them.
They’re around the size of a leopard and tend to weigh around 120kg and have coarse orange fur with dark mottling. No wonder they act like they own the place (and they do!).
What Drop Bears Feed On
Experts, and sometimes even the police, have examined spots where drop bears have killed their prey, and like Meat Loaf’s “singing” at the 2011 Grand Final, it’s the stuff nightmares are made of. Drop bears tend to eat large mammals like kangaroos and wallabies, despite them being bigger than the drop bears themselves.
Are They Dangerous To Humans?<
For those old enough to remember the ‘80s, you may remember an Australian flick called Razorback, where a huge wild boar kills and eats people in a small outback town. Replace the boar with a drop bear and that’s pretty close to what you’d experience if you encounter one of these psycho animals.
So, in short, bloody oath they’re dangerous to humans! Although they usually eat roos, don’t think that drop bears won’t decide to try some human if they get the chance!
Obviously, it’d be people hiking around the bush who’d walk into drop bear turf. But who the drop bears attack depends on where they’re from?
Like how humans can tell the difference between the noises different animals make, from dogs barking to cows mooing, drop bears can tell the difference between how humans speak, specifically what their accents sound like.
All predators try to suss out their potential prey and their characteristics to determine if they can fight back or not. Being in Australia, drop bears mostly hear Aussie accents, and therefore know that Aussies know how to defend themselves and are harder to kill.
However, if drop bears hear humans speak in a way that they’re not used to, they will know they’re easy prey.
Ways To Stop Drop Bears From Killing You
Whether you’re Aussie or not, a sure-fire way to repel drop bears is to smear Vegemite all over your body. Yes, the old favourite Aussie food spread has more uses than just putting on your toast and grossing out tourists.
In fact, besides our strong and distinct accents, a major reason why Aussies are less likely to be attacked by drop bears than foreigners is because of the natural scent we permanently give off thanks to our constant consumption of Vegemite. When drop bears get a whiff of this, there’s a good chance they’ll back off.
However, if you’re not from the Great Southern Land, or you just want peace of mind, smear some Vegemite behind your ears for that extra level of protection. Vegemite is the sunscreen of the outback, so go ahead and slip, slop, slap!
For any non-Aussies reading this, an extra precaution you can take is by speaking in an Australian accent. Unfortunately, the Australian accent is one of the hardest accents to properly imitate, but do try your best.
Constantly say Aussie lingo like “g’day”, “fair dinkum”, “cobber”, “strewth”, and the like to ward off predators. Like when animals make aggressive growls, drop bears will know to not pick a fight if they hear someone speaking like Steve Irwin or Paul Hogan.
Where Drop Bears Live And Kill
Generally speaking, drop bears live in closed canopy forests or open woodlands that are close to dense forest. You won’t see them in the open, like near roads or people’s houses (thank goodness for that!).
However, like all species of animals located in various places throughout the world, each type of drop bear has differing characteristics. Read below to tell them apart, although that will be easy to know if you’re in any of these states of the Commonwealth of Australia.
The Sunshine State is a big place full of exotic environments where various animals roam, from rainforest, desert, and Surfers Paradise. One such creature are drop bears, and despite Queensland being an NRL state, they have a bone to pick with the AFL.
The Queensland drop bears that follow Aussie rules football are still cracking the shits over how the Brisbane Bears merged with the Fitzroy Lions, making them the Brisbane Lions instead.
This lack of representation and outright discrimination in the AFL has made the Queensland drop bears furious, and footy matches at the Gabba just haven’t been the same since then.
If you’re from Victoria (the home of AFL) and a Queensland drop bear gets a whiff of your smug Victorian scent, you’re fucked! If you’re camping out in the bush, you may hear them humming the club’s song ‘Brisbane bears will live forever’. Pray that you don’t.
If you’re bringing booze with you on your camping trip, be careful about what you bring. Drop bears will scab any Bundaberg Rum if they can, as they’re attracted to the rum’s bear logo (plus, plain old river water gets boring after a while).
New South Wales
There’s a high drop bear population around Nimbin, the stoner capital of Australia. Koalas get stoned off eucalyptus leaves, but drop bears get high from simply whiffing in the air because of all the bloody hippy potheads that live there.
This particular species of drop bear also grows out its fur longer than drop bears in other states to grow dreadlocks. It’s surprising that drop bears aren’t the face of the annual Mardi Gras festival Nimbin has to promote the legalisation of marijuana. It goes to show that many Aussies don’t want to acknowledge that drop bears are real.
Further south in NSW, Tamworth has embraced the drop bear, so much so since they’ve named a country road Drop Bear Lane! Since it’s in the middle of nowhere, there’s a fair chance the critters it’s named after may make an appearance, so be careful!
For reasons unknown, the majority of the Tasmanian species of drop bears are the result of inbreeding. Well, actually, the fact they’re Tasmanian explains everything. But anyway, these kissing cousins and siblings have created offspring that don’t look quite right.
Their faces are longer and scrunched up, and they’re also just plain dumber. Although all drop bears are dangerous, it’s easy to outsmart Tassie’s drop bears thanks to them being a few cans short of a six-pack of Boag’s.
Also simply known as The Outback, the NT is mostly desert just like what you’d see in a Crocodile Dundee movie. Australia is known for its deadly creatures, and the NT has most of them living there. However, they all look like a bunch of pansies compared to drop bears.
Although camping in the bush in any part of Australia means you’ll be a fair distance from any towns where you can get help, help’s even further away if you’re in the NT. If you’re in the Outback and get attacked by a drop bear, you’ve got Buckley’s chance of surviving.
Closer to the top end is the coastline. Unfortunately, you can’t swim there due to all the crocs that live there. However, drop bears have no fear of the seemingly more dangerous creature.
Remember, crocs can’t climb trees, but drop bears can’t swim. Whenever a croc does arise from the water onto land and tries to sink its jaws into a drop bear, the furry bastard will quickly climb up the tree and then jump on top of it, like what you’d see in wrestling.
Seeing these two mighty predators fighting truly is a sight to behold, but you really don’t want to get in their way, so it’s still best to escape while they’re distracted.
Don’t Let Drop Bears Ruin Camping For You
Before you go out camping anyway in areas with a high drop bear population, tell your family and friends how much you love them. You may not get another chance.
However, if you’re brave enough to go out camping to one of these places, and are considering getting a camper trailer, have a chat with Mars Campers.
We have many different types of camper trailers available to suit your needs. For more information on either camper trailers or to report a drop bear sighting, feel free to call 1300 667 868 today.
(Hey, you know we’re just taking the piss, yeah? Drop bears aren’t real, you silly sausage! But there really is a Drop Bear Lane in Tamworth though, that part’s fair dinkum.)